Written by Jessica Roberts
Photography by Melissa Harward
Sometimes the need to feel skinny and/or healthy is unexplainably and completely overtaken by the need to be a total fatass.
When you find yourself gripped by this unhealthy craving in the Classic City, it is important to know your options. Luckily, a list has been compiled of Athens’ most sinful dishes, which will surely help in your caloric crusades.
1. Ike and Jane’s Bacon Donuts
Even though the name basically says it all, let’s contemplate these donuts. Donuts are delicious, right? And bacon makes everything taste better, right? If you agreed with both of these statements, it should be obvious to you why the salty, fatty, sugary goodness of these donuts cannot be denied. Ignore the stares of others while you wolf down one of these with lightning-fast speed. Now if only you could run a mile that quickly…
2. El Sol’s Torta Oaxaqueña, a.k.a. The Hangover Destroyer
Take El Sol’s regular Torta (Mexican sandwich) and make it 10 times better. Along with the normal toppings of mayo, cheese, sour cream, lettuce, tomato, avocado and jalapeños, the wonderful people in charge of this Mexican restaurant have gone where no man has gone before. Instead of stuffing this sandwich-y deliciousness with a normal meaty substance, they have instead added beans, hotdogs, bacon and fried eggs into the mix. If you had a hangover before eating this, it is now gone. And if you were on a diet before eating this, you aren’t anymore.
3. Weaver D’s Fried Pork Chops (or basically anything else on their menu)
People looking for good, old-fashioned southern food are (hopefully) not looking to eat healthy. And Voilá! We have Weaver D’s. The fried pork chops at this bright green eatery are to die for: crunchy, salty, horrible-for-you goodness. Don’t just limit yourself to one unhealthy menu item here, though; the fried okra, fried chicken and fried everything else are delicious, too.
4. The Grill’s Milkshakes
Creamy, icy, dreamy, yummy. Anyone who has been drunk in downtown Athens knows about The Grill (even if they may not remember the last time they were there). And anyone who has been to The Grill knows about their huge, amazing milkshakes. Don’t be a pansy and try to pull the “they have calcium!” card, though. Embrace the dairy fat and slurp away on one of these babies. Dip your fries in ‘em if you want to increase your likelihood of having a heart attack before 40.
5. Shokitini’s Tempura Oreos
Fried Oreos. Need I say more? Oh, I do? OK then. Shokitini has explored the unhealthy potential of Japanese food to its greatest extent. Take one of America’s favorite cookies and encase it in Japan’s favorite breading. What do you end up with? A crispy-on-the-outside, gooey-on-the inside treat that makes a normal, unfried Oreo look like Pamela Anderson with no makeup on.
6. Cozy Yum Yum’s Cream Cheese Rangoons
These delicious pockets of love consist of crispy goodness on the outside, creamy richness on the inside. In these appetizers, an outer casing of fried dough cocoons warm cream cheese. A decadent starter to any of Cozy Yum Yum’s awesome entrees, these little treats are simply divine. A hint: if you go for the lunch special, you get one of these yummy things as part of your complimentary appetizer! Yessssss.
Thus: fear not, fat-seekers! We at BLVD salute you and your unending quest to find the yummiest, most sinful dishes. If you can still get off the couch after trying all of these examples and your hunger will not abate, keep searching! May your taste buds rejoice and your waistlines suffer at the hands of these delicious and devilish foods.
