By: Kate Foster
In the midst of this chaotic, bustling journey that we call life, there is one all-inclusive human connector: the experience of a horrific date. Young and old, black and white, tall and short, each and every one of us can recall a romantic endeavor that makes us want to crawl into a hole and die at its very memory. Fortunately, such bone-chilling events also allow for quite hilarious stories.
Many terrible dates sprout from assumptions. Caleb, a bearded barista at the Starbucks on Broad Street, described his worst hour while preparing a drink: “I was on a date with a gay biology major. I’m a staunch atheist and I assumed with his background that he’d be the same. Wrong. He was incredibly religious and also immature. The date just became more and more sour by the minute, and by the time we left the restaurant, we weren’t talking at all.”
You’d think gossiping, middle-aged women would have long forgotten and recovered from their most terrible dates. Not so in the case of Tameka, who explained with a chuckle, “On my first date ever, my mom decided that it was absolutely necessary that I take my three younger brothers with me. As if that weren’t humiliating enough, while we were driving around, they all started making fun of his bad car and the fact that he had no radio.”
Determined to outdo such a tale, Tameka’s friend Veronica muttered, “At least your mother didn’t follow your car with her brights on the entire night.”
Ladies, if it’s any consolation, you now know how NOT to be the worst mom ever.
Some of the most miserable dates end in a surprise – and not the good kind. Lauren, a 20-something salon worker downtown, explained with a shudder, “I had recently been dumped by a boyfriend I’d had for three years. My friends forced me to go out on a blind date pretty soon after, and I have to say I was hesitant. But when he showed up, I felt much better about the situation. He dressed nice, had a good car and sexy tattoos, and was really funny. When the waiter brought our check, I found out that he had a live-in nanny and a kid.”
Baby mama drama not enough for you? Try a mental breakdown. Gainesville student Mary Lou was really excited about her successful date with a perfect guy. That is, until the next day.
“He texted me and said he couldn’t see me anymore because he was psychopathic and on the verge of a breakdown. A year later, I ran into him … and his new wife.”
Ever been on a date without even knowing it? Yeah, us either. UGA grad student, Audrey, explored uncharted territory one fatal night when a guy drove her to a supposed “group” ice cream social.
“When we got to Cold Stone, none of our friends were there. Apparently ALL of them couldn’t make it? I don’t think so. After we had ice cream, he drove me home, walked me to the door … and I got out of there before I’d have to dodge a kiss.”
At least the poor girl had ice cream to soften the blow.
And, finally, the worst of the worst, the stories that involve hook-ups gone wrong. Kristyn, a UGA student, went over to an old friend’s apartment one night, only to find that they “did nothing more than stare at each other and make awkward conversation for hours on end.”
Sounds like this guy needs to get a bit bolder if he ever wants success in the sack. At the opposite end of the spectrum, an outgoing and refreshingly blunt guy named John had to think for a few minutes to decide on his worst. And boy, is it bad:
“I got to talking to a cute girl at a bar one night. We had a few drinks and then decided to head to her place. It got pretty intense – and very hot – until her brother drunkenly stumbled in.”
It’s starting to seem like family members are at the root of far too many dating horror stories.
Hopefully, the stories of these poor souls have eased your mind about your own worst “romantic” evening. If not … may peace be given to your stunned and undoubtedly cynical heart.